I Don't Know What to Write

I am sitting at my computer and I don't know what I to write. As I type I recognize that I'm hunched over enough to be stuck in a bell tower and pull myself up straight--imagine a string going from the bottom your spine through the top of your head--and watch my shadow rise on the wall. In my next incarnation of an office, I will have a desk lamp that doesn't blind me (so I can turn it on), the ceiling light will be bright and my desk will face a window so that most of all I can utilize natural light. That is, when the sun up. Although I wouldn't say that it necessarily bothers me that the sun starts to set around 4 PM when you live on any island just before Europe meets the Atlantic. Rather, it's just nice to have natural light for writing--the kind that lights with a gentle touch.

I guess what I want to write about is that in my lifetime, I have experimented with kissing first, and waiting to be kissed. (Reader: I don't know who you are anymore so please forgive any over-share you weren't expecting.) I'd say more times than not, I went for it. I dove in cause there were the signs: I was hot, they were hot, and there was probably dancing. And dancing just becomes more fun when you make-out on the dance floor. (Catholic grandmothers are all too good at predicting this; even when you're dancing the least sexily you've ever danced for your cousin's wedding.) I liked the cheeky nature of it all, the wanting.

Having written that, I don't know how true any of that is, having kissed first many a time. (Except that last part, that last part is definitely true. The cheekiness, the wanting.) I also don't know if it is true whether or not I've actually ever waited to be kissed. In truth, I'm not very good at waiting, for kisses or for anything. Which is maybe why it's more true to say that I have (and continue to) experiment with wanting kisses. (There's that want, again.) A game of patience, but not of waiting. Perception and a bit of sass are key; make 'em laugh, watch them walk away.

It sounds like I'm dispensing game advice, but you should never trust a narrator you're not sure of, maybe they should discuss more of kisses in Literature class than of narrators. But what I can tell you is that you should never trust the narrators you're not sure of, especially when they can't tell you what they want to write--or don't know what it is they want to tell you.