Thursday, September 4, 2008

Why Children's Literature is Important

In the second year of my undergraduate studies at UC Santa Cruz in Literature and Feminist Studies, I took introductory theory courses for both of my majors. Literature Theory focused on the role of the author in 20th Century literature while Feminist Theories explored the construction of narratives—narratives of identities, historical and cultural constructions, the way we come to understand truth—in academic theory, in social and moral understandings, in our classroom.

From those courses I came away with two concepts: “What is the role of the author?” and “Don’t get sucked into the anecdote.” As a student of literature and an author of my own work in narrative poetry and creative non-fiction, I approach the first question from two angles. When reading and investigating a piece of literature, I take into consideration the historical and geo-political context as well as the intentions of the author and what they mean or do not mean to the work. When working on a piece of my own writing, I am often asking how my identity and intentions shape the context of my work. Thus, whether it is my own work or a piece of literature, it is how a narrative takes form—and why—that intrigues me most.

My interest in narrative construction lies not just in the story arc, but in the political and cultural ramifications of that narrative’s construction through its ability to entertain. As my feminist professor stood in front of the lecture hall, she entertained us—with stories of the author’s life or her own, of current events, or popular culture. However, as soon as we had relaxed, we were reminded not to become too enamored with the proverbial “anecdote.” “What is important about how I am telling this story?” she would ask. We were not allowed to ignore or forget that a narrative is actively constructed, shaped by context, author and reader, storyteller and listener.

While stories have intrinsic entertainment value, the way an author or story-teller constructs their narrative can be just as telling. As a student of poetry, I focused early on the importance of form. Titled “In the Telling of a Love Story” my senior thesis in Poetry was founded on the idea that form can be as subversive as content. Through that work, I tried to show how the form of a narrative about two women in love can be just as politically or radically significant as the content of the story itself.

In a similar vein, I feel the authors of children’s literature are combining form and narrative to achieve an agenda for a target audience. Children’s literature does not just entertain through this pairing, it aims to instruct as well. These stories hold their audience’s attention while also serving as tools of indoctrination, shaping the way a child sees, interacts and understands the world around them. Authors are thus actively informing the next generation’s ideas of family structures, aspects of identity, cultural customs, social interactions and an understanding of truth.

As an area of study then, I feel it is important to highlight what is currently being reflected in children’s literature about our present culture and society. What does it mean for the child to understand that not every house-hold has a set of heterosexual, biological parents at its helm? How do children form their personal identity through a bombardment of gender roles in their bedtime stories? How does an author explain the concept of sharing in a way that will prepare children for our technological, multicultural, and international society?

I hope to explore the impact of form and narrative through the Masters in Children’s Literature programme at Roehampton University, combining my backgrounds in literature and feminist theories. I feel passionately about children’s literature because these stories have and will impact how we and future generations understand and interact with the world around us. These narratives—of sharing, of families, of imaginary realms and creatures—are actively constructed by adults for children (and adults) and should be paid due attention. Thus the study of children’s literature not only has the potential to be entertaining, the work is political and subversive as well.

Friday, August 29, 2008

27 cents

At my employer of hip frozen yogurt, we have started to tax those purchases which are eaten on the premises. So, at the end of each order I have to ask "For Here or To Go?"

The responses to this question are varied, but the general three sentiments are:
"Why are you asking? Oh, you wanna know if I need a lid."
"Why are you asking? Oh, it's cheaper To Go isn't it? To go."
and
"Why are you asking? It's for here."
(They pay for their froyo.)
"Oh, is it more expensive if I eat it here?"

My responses to these responses are varied, but the general three sentiments are:
Quiet and self-hating as part of the capitalist system
Polite (and generally not amused by the young guy trying to hit on me)
Embarrassed

Today a woman came in, around two and a half hours after we'd opened and inquired about the strength our Pomegranate Bluberry flavor. This isn't an inquiry we get very often so I happily replied that is does have a strong Pomegranate Blueberry flavor with a tart undertone of our Original flavor. (When you work at frozen yogurt, it's sometimes fun to make it sound fancy). She seemed please by this response and order a Junior size.

When it came to total her order I of course asked if it was "For Here" or "To Go." She said it was "For Here," so I tapped the button and taxed her frozen yogurt.

Almost counting the thirty seconds, she turned around from the spoon and napkin stand and asked if there was a price difference for eating in or "stepping foot out the door."

"It's taxable if you eat it here."
"Fuck that."

She walked out the door and around our railing. I thought she had gotten frustrated enough not to actually stay and eat her frozen yogurt. The other customer inside gave me a sympathetic look.

But on principle I guess, she came back and sat herself at one of the outside tables.

27 cents. That's what she was taxed for eating at one of our tables.

I wanted to yell at her and be snipy, but that would only provoke more of the same. So I tried to think of something different.

Opening the cash register, I took out 27 cents and walked outside.

"Ma'am, here's your tax back."
"I don't want it."
"And I'd appreciate it if you don't speak to me like that again."
"I won't be coming back here."

She didn't look at me. I turned around before she'd finished speaking, went to my tip jar and took out 27 cents to replenish the till, and went straight to the backroom crying.

People get upset over the smallest things, whether it's justified or not. And there are small victories to be won. But who gets squashed along the way?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Heavenly Day

For the past five odd years, Patty Griffin has been a solid soundtrack to my life. My dearest Rosie introduced me to her and while I neglected the beautifully burnt CD in some random holder for much too long, I finally got my butt into gear and fell in love.

The truly impressive part is that as this amazing artist has morphed through her career, her songs continue to resonate with me, like a good lover ebbs and flows with you. Take "Heavenly Day" for example. I couldn't help but envision Alex in my arms as we danced, the song lilting through my kitchen at first listen.

I wanted to sit down tonight and write something beautiful. At every appropriate and unexpected moment, Alex reminds me that I love to write; in fact, that maybe writing is something deeply ingrained within me that I should really just quit denying. Or at very least, honor.

Like me returning by ferry tonight from a walk up to the cliffs of Pol Ruan, wild flowers tied in a small bouquet, and she sweetly asks me from behind the bar if I've been writing tonight. There is a pause in my response where I smile from her love, and then hold up my newly acquired copy of Lion Boy and smile at my reading-children's-literature-as-research style of an evening.

I'm not the first artist to ever have a muse. I'm not the last. But I am very lucky.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Long Time Gone Now

I love the Dixie Chicks. This isn't a new revelation. More a sporatic affirmation that there are people out there who kick ass in any number of professions. Also an affirmation that there are people out there who desire to live their lives according to them--and hopefully don't harass nice customer service people who are just doing their jobs. I don't know this last bit for sure, but since it was really only Natalie Maines' comment at Shepard's Bush that got them in the news, I don't think of them as rude people at all, especially to normal, every day people who aren't screwing up royaling on more fronts then just foreign policy.

Where is this coming from? I find myself asking. I'm not typically a cynical, jaded person who loathes meeting new people, friendly faces, on a daily basis. Why the rising stress level even working less than 40 hours a week? It could be any number of crazy (and truly often times amazing) things happening in my life, but like Carrie Bradshaw, I like to inspect the most apparent situation at hand, ask myself silly questions, want to throw little tantrums and blame outside sources for my decline in happiness: I now work full-time in one location of a frozen yogurt franchise in West LA and I think I hate my job. "Hate" may be a strong word, but "dislike" just isn't poetic enough.

What do I hate about it exactly? Well, to say it was cutting fruit, cleaning dishing, mixing frozen yogurt batches, or my manager might be along the right lines, but it would just be lazy: who really wants to like or do any of those things for 35+ hours of their every week. No, it's the customers I hate.

Truly, I probably set myself up for this. As I prepared for leaving my unpaid internship at Nest and my hostess position at Louise's in return for more hours, same money, and less gas in my car, I thought, well, maybe serving frozen yogurt will be a noble (temporary) position. I mean, after all, I'll be sculpting dessert for the masses, and who doesn't love dessert. What dessert doesn't bring a smile to people's faces, joy in their hearts, and contentment in their stomachs.

Wrong. I really should get used to this.

Disillusionment is normal at my age, thematic really if you read/see/hear/disgest anything produced from my age bracket (cough cough) so again, not that original. But, still, I rage.

The number of people who walk in excited for froyo, have joy on their faces when they order, and actually enjoy every bite of their frozen treat are rare--and usually, they don't tip.

And instead of getting to replay fun interactions with customers in my head as I cut strawberries, or even feel like I'm a productive employee, I find myself stewing over the old white dude who was so smug when he asked if the owners were Korean that I wish I had the gall to ask if his department was run by old white men who were jerky enough to hire an asshole like him. The mother and daughter who waltzed in, tried a flavor, really wanted chocolate and practically had already walked out the door by the time I responded to their "Is there an ice cream place nearby?" The men who think they can order me around just because I'm a server or hit on me cause I'm pretty and trapped behind a counter. Or the women with gigantic rocks on their fingers who somehow just piss me off by existing--jealously, maybe, I acknowledge that, but really I wouldn't trade my life for theirs any day.

So now I understand just a little bit better all those movies and TV shows about customer service employees. I still don't want to associate myself with them, but for this blogpost, I join them in solidarity: it just might get to that point where someone asks just one more time "Is this like PinkBerry?" and just get back-handed from across the counter.

I'm over-qualified, nostaglic for my keyboard, and welcoming myself back to blogging world with a proper rant, after a long time gone now. I think it'll be better.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Update on Immaculate Conception

A la Kate:

Ok, so:
I was thinking about your immaculate conception and how you and Alex have been chosen by God to start the world anew, and my thinking led me to some supporting evidence.

1. There is a folk song centered around the line "California is a Garden of Eden."
2. California has just made gay marriage legal.
3. Therefore, new Garden of Eden = non-heteronormative relationships

ALSO
Yours and Alex's names are the initials of Adam and Eve (Alex and Erica). And you're the one immaculately carrying the future of the world in your womb.

So...
I think that's it.

End quote.

I love her. And she would so be a godparent.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Glittery about LA

There are just little moments sometimes that make me feel glittery about LA. You know that feeling when you can't help but bubble over in a smile because only in LA would you see or hear or witness whatever it is that you just saw or heard or witnessed.

Sure there are things that make me feel not so glittery, like the inability to find parking, or free parking, sometimes, people looking into your trailer window late at night, or having only gay men featured and pictured in the LA Weekly's write up on the same-sex marriage court decision celebration, but those are quickly forgotten in the midst of other moments.

Like pulling into a random metered spot on the street, searching my coin cup, pockets or purse for change and realizing once I'm out of the car that it's a failed meter and I can swing that space for free.

Or like two well-dressed older women coming into Louise's one night with sweet wedding rings on, a calm, gentle demeanor about them, and the cuteness to tell Chad that their left-overs can go in the same bag.

Or like tonight, also at the restaurant, when a middle-aged gay man came in for dinner with his parents and as he left I realized he was telling them about the beautiful gold ring he'd gotten for his partner's birthday and that his mom had shiny gold runners on as they walked out the door.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

People I Might Try to be in England

1. Full-time lover
2. Full-time employee
3. Florist shop apprentice
4. Doula
5. Post-college athlete
6. Frequenter of Paris
7. Member of a Transatlantic Craft Exchange (Ladies?)
8. Gardener (even of indoor plants)
9. Dancer
10. Tube rider
11. Tea drinker
12. Low budget domestic goddess
13. Train rider
14. Bed snuggler

This is all very in-advance, but, hey, the mind turns.

People I Have Become in LA

1. Hostess at Louise's Trattoria
2. Intern for the Nest Foundation (non-profit)
3. Trans-Atlantic letter writer
4. Morning commuter
5. Mobile-home dweller
6. Radio listener
7. Failed-meter parker
8. Puppet theater usher
9. WaMu banker
10. Dog-sitter
11. Long-distance construction laborer
12. Prom chaperon
13. New Family Member
14. Koreatown resident
15. Culver City resident
16. Fowey long weekend-er
17. Big-idea thinker
18. Dreamer

Friday, May 16, 2008

Witnessing History

LA Times: California Supreme Court Overturns Gay Marriage Ban

I can't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now, it's a cross between that moment before smiling and just realizing you're crying at your friend's wedding...everything's a-sparkle.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Swinging a Hammer

I came home for a month to help my dad re-roof the female barrack for the Forest Service Hot Shots in Sawyers Bar on the Salmon River. If you think I live in real Northern California, just talk to the folks down the Salmon River.

Helping my dad, being home for a month, and good pay (along with flexible employers in LA) motivated me to come to work. But, there were a few things that worried me: the pitch of the roof is rather steep, I've never roofed before, and, to be honest, I'm not too good at swinging a hammer. I'm actually probably better at pulling nails than I am at driving them.

This is kind of a shameful thing to admit, being a carpenter's daughter and all. I know that my brother received a little hammer on his third birthday, and while I don't know if I did or not (I lean towards the first), I have received hammers since as gifts from my father.

In my defense, I've probably been asked to use electric or battery operated tools more often than hand tools, but I can't really say I'm a pro at those either.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself though. No sense in beating yourself up if you only lift a hammer on a frequent basis every few years when your father needs some help. Plus, it's not easy to fulfill your parent's legacy right?

At any rate, my dad tried to make me feel a little better as I told him about my doubts as a hammer swinger: "That's why they made nail guns."

La Virgin de Fowey

I still haven't gotten my period for this month. I don't know if it's stress, travel or some freak hormone change, but it hasn't come yet. I'm not worried though--I'm banking on immaculate conception. I figure you and I had to be put on this earth for some reason and with all that love floating around, our DNA just decided to mix itself up and make a little love baby to show the world what's up. Hey, if it happened to Mary and Joseph, why not Erica and Alex?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Sanctity & Coin-Op Laundry

I've always loved laundry mats. I loved the idea of laundry mats, loved them without really knowing, but rather through learned, filter images, college experience and the fresh smell of scented fabric softeners. The white walls of my imagination, the spinning side-loaders, the ritual of cleaning and purifying.

It's harder to feel that way now. When I carry my laundry bag or basket down the street and into the brightly colored, yet still somehow a little dingy laundry mat, it's not the romantic notion of waiting for your laundry to dry. There are certain individuals who come in to drop off or pick up their "fluff and fold" order; there are others who wait with me. Usually, my skin is desperately lighter and out of place. I try my best not to be noticed while my clothes spin round and round; it usually doesn't work.


Waiting on the yellow bench by the door and the change machine, I sat embroidering the Taj Mahal onto a pillow case for my love. Stitching in purples a pattern from Sublime Stitching, I caught the attention of a few of the mothers doing their laundry as well.

As one mother and her little girl of 3 or so gathered their laundry and began to walk past me out the door, the mother pointed to what I was doing.

"See what she's doing," she said to her little girl. "Church."

The little girl looked at the embroidery hoop, at me.

"Iglesia," said the mother, smiling at her little girl, and they walked past me out the door. I didn't correct her, but watched them leave.

I don't know if she thought the pattern was a church or if she knew it was the famous monument to love half way across the world; I don't know if she just glanced at it or had never seen it before. I don't know that knowing that answering would make me like laundry mats any more or any less than I already do.

Still, to make the Taj Mahal a church requires the idea that it is sacred. But what makes something sacred? Could love alone provide the sanctity of a place? Is love what makes some place sacred?

Sunday, April 13, 2008

An Airstream Trailer

I live in an Airstream trailer now. The metal is brushed and makes me feel like home. The paneling is not too light, not too dark. The broken handles in need of adjustments have been fixed. I've put place mats down in the cupboard to set my wine glasses, drinking glasses and mugs upon. The delineation of space overlaps: bedroom, closet, porch, doorway, powder room, breakfast nook, library and storage.

There is much to be said. There is much to be discovered.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Tokyo 77

To get to Tokyo 77 you cross Venice Blvd from Bagley to Main St. Walk past the hair salon, the furniture shop, the hardware store and the first alley. At the second alley, turn right and walk along the mural of the farmer's market. When the alley opens up, you'll see a sign that says "We're open." Go inside the "coffee shop" (read: diner) and pick any table you like.

I got the Breakfast Special C -- 2 pancakes and bacon, $2.35 -- tea, $.90, and read Juno & Juliet in the sunlight-through-the-window-with-a-slight-breeze as I ate.

Things confirmed:
  • I want to be a Dodgers fan, and listen to their games on the radio.
  • One of my first memories of San Francisco is influenced by the opening shot of Full House, and now I can give you Ashely Olsen's address in New York--both strange.
  • I appreciate getting what you pay for, and having that value be decent and humanly.

Salsa Lessons

I'm a good dancer. Humble, sometimes. Good, always. I've been the party enabler, the one to let loose, the desirable, the only white girl in a room ("And she can dance!"), the leader and the follower. So when Enrique, my co-worker, asks if I want to go salsa dancing on Friday night after work and I'm even wearing the perfect dress already for it, I figure I know "enough," have decent rhythm and can follow, to say yes.

A Cuban restaurant somewhere near Hollywood and I'm nervous on the dance floor. My feet actually feel like they've gained awkward clumsiness and I'm out of place. And it's not the new environment, the new dance partner, or the music. I don't even think it was the confidence Enrique lacked that he was a good leader. It was something in me. I wasn't tapping into the place where I dance from, that core that I feel so secure in, that moving from the hips. I couldn't find it, couldn't remember what it felt like, and don't know what happened to it.

Last night, I was dancing some place else, to different music, with different people, and I was dancing like I always do. But I still don't know what happened that night, and I don't think it was just a fluke. I think maybe there is something else I'm needing to learn on the dance floor this time.

Life on Mariposa

I have lived in LA now for 36 days.

For 36 days, I made my home in an apartment on Mariposa Street.

Last night my father said "mariposa, butterfly" before he got off the phone.

Tonight I make a new home.

Mariposa. Butterfly.

Friday, March 28, 2008

You Shouldn't Eat Bread or Cake

The title of this blog is not something I believe. Rather, it is something that has been told to me, multiple times, by a co-worker. A busser, actually, an older man named Jorge or George, depending on who you're talking to.

Louise's is "known" for their fabulous focaccia, served hot and with dipping sauce with each meal. It is also eaten by me and my co-workers when our stomachs are about to give out on us because we haven't eaten in more hours than we can remember and still have more to go, working. This isn't even necessarily a habit of mine yet, more a desperate measure when the salad I had just before work isn't lasting or I was late and haven't eaten at all.

And probably without all of this stomach-ache/my-current-state-of-life knowledge Jorge/George has taken upon himself to remind me about watching my weight. Possibly it is motivated from watching countless girls come to work at Louise's over the years, enjoy the breads and pastas late at night, and then complain or get upset about gaining weight from their gainful employment. Or maybe Jorge/George already thinks I'm a bit too plump to be seating customers to their tables and is just trying to help me keep my job. Either way, I don't really give a shit and it's still condescending to have this 50+ year old man pat my stomach multiple nights in a row now, saying "You shouldn't eat too much bread or cake."

I got it Jorge/George, thanks. I'm aware that if all I eat is bread and cake, I will probably become a bit more pudgy, not to mention experience malnutrition and end up out of work because I am at home, sick. I'm currently doing the best I can: to eat right in this current chaos that is my life, to often come in at least a half hour before work to enjoy my free salad or meal so that I have enough energy to make it through my shift, and to stay healthy and fit while building a new life for myself in this city you've probably lived in for at least the last 30 years.

Call me crazy maybe, but more than worrying about what bread or cake will do to my gorgeous figure (thank you very much) I'm just trying to survive and stay healthy and make it paycheck to paycheck in this already weight-concerned city they call Los Angeles. You're being no angel, Jorge/George, so no thanks for your concern.

God, I wish I could say that to him in person.

Learning to SLOW down, Part III

When I graduated from high school, my soccer coach, John Dawson, gave me a book by UCLA basketball coach John Wooden called Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court. The note inside wished that I keep it to open up from time to time in moments of quandary for possible guidance. It was something my coach did.

That fall, I took the book with me to college and it lay by my bedside for a year and a half before I opened it one night looking for guidance to calm my nerves. It was January of my second year of college and I was about to start a brand-new publication, basically under my leadership. How I approached my leadership would set the tone for the whole publication and be directly tied to its success. Already late at night and needing to get a good night's rest, I sat on the edge of my bed and picked up the book.

Dawson had instructed me to open to a random page when I wanted some advice. My eyes just about popped out of my head as I read the section title I had opened to: "A Leader Can Be Led. " I read on: "Leaders are interested in finding the best way rather than having their own way. 'Because I said so' is a poor explanation for doing something. It's no reason."

This opening and the short passage became my silent motto as we proceeded with the publication and I did my best to take its advice.

This morning I woke from multiple busy dreams to pleasant sunshine and with no reason to rise from bed in any hurry, I turned to my stack of books beside the bed. Last night, I had just finished The Giver, my own version of the-book-I-read-when-I-want-to-remember-what-it-is-I'm-doing-with-my-life, and loved it all over again. In fact, I might just jump back into it for another quick read.

But that left me looking at the spines of my books, wanting to pick different one. I reached for my other easier read Juno & Juliet to relax back into my pillow, but Wooden sat on top and I eyed it once more: I could probably use some advice.

These were the four passages I turned to: "A Lesson on Emotion and Language," "A Reminder: Be True to Yourself," "Make Fate Your Friend," and "Young Folks, Old Folks." Every time I read I automatically heard Dawson's voice, instead of an unknown Wooden's.

The first passage was about controlling one's temper and minding your language, which is always good advice. The latter three, however, seemed even more appropriate. The passages talked about the times in life when big decisions are being made--with carrots dangling here and there--and when and how these decisions or change comes about.

"A Reminder: Be True to Yourself" was pretty self-explanatory--remember what you're trying to do and why you're doing it. "Make Fate Your Friend" talked about a snow storm effecting Wooden's coaching career--if the snow storm hadn't hit Minneapolis, Wooden wouldn't have coached for UCLA, and I wouldn't have this book in my hands.

The last talked about patience. Wooden wrote that youth is a time of impatience, but that old folks can't be too set in their ways either when it comes to making change. I focused on the impatient part. I'm used to making things happen quickly and efficiently, but I'm learning that when it comes to the bigger stuff, sometimes you've just got to be patient and see what fate has in store for you. I don't mean don't act, but sometimes the worry part of me deserves a rest when all I can do is wait.

I've been pondering a lot lately about getting what one wants, and wanting what one gets and my relationship to that idea. Again, I think Wooden knew exactly what I already knew, but needed to hear again: "I believe that things are directed in some sort of way. I'm not exactly sure how. I also believe that things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out."

Maybe another piece in learning how to slow down. Thanks, John.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Ode to Pineapple

Bought from street vendors, cut down the street from my apartment into small chunks and placed in a bag for me to eat with a fork or sliced artistically and skewered on a stick in southeast Asia, you are my new favorite fruit.

You make me want to steal a line from a Thai boy out with his friends and whisper softly, "Hello. I love you."

Ode to Sweat Glands

My co-worker Chad and I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon on Monday. A gorgeous spring day in the late afternoon, just before the streams of people came up the ridges with their dogs for a post-work walk. We took the side route up to the left peak, walked the ridge line and came to the higher second peak. LA was there before us, sprawling continuously into the distance of smog. Truly an impressive sight, in terms of what our society is capable of producing and organizing--kind of like our sweat glands.

Granted, us humans didn't create or build our sweat glands and who exactly did is still out for debate, but it is arguable that we wouldn't have gotten this far without the genius structuring and organizing of these particular body parts, our beloved sweat glands.

Take dogs for example. Adorable, lovable, fabulous mammals, but no sweat glands. They may get to live in LA as we do or enjoy an afternoon hike in Runyon canyon with us, but they're not running the place, if you know what I mean.

As Chad put, maybe our sweat glands have had something to do with our success as a species. Can you imagine all the social interaction that might just be a bit more hindered if we were constantly panting to cool ourselves off while trying to talk/eat a meal/have sex? I can, with much laughter, and it leaves me very thankful for those dear ol' smelling sweat glands.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Louise's Dress Code

First Interview, with Anthony (Server Manager, 1)—

What I wear: white tank top, nice light blue top, black slacks, boots.


Anthony: “The hostess can wear whatever they like, you know, professional but also casual.”

My take: Like what I’m wearing, but maybe a dressier top.


Second Interview, with Rodney (General Manager)—

What I wear: white tank top, light yellow long sleeve button-up, nice light brown slacks, boots


Rodney: “The hostess doesn’t have to wear a uniform so you can wear whatever you like. Just, you know, professional and casual at the same time.”

Me, puzzled: “Well this (gesturing to my outfit) is what I consider professional casual.”

Rodney, reluctantly: “Yeah.”


First day on the job, Heather (Server Manager, 2)—

What I wear: orange tank top, beige sweater, brown slacks, boots


Heather: “Look, girlie here thought it was gonna be cold so she wore a sweater.”

Me, trying not to make a screwed up face at her: “Ha, yeah.”


First week on the job—

What I wear: button-ups and sweaters, slacks, boots.


Most complimented outfit: Red sweater with slacks (Note: it’s a low-cut sweater)


Saturday before Easter Sunday, Second week on the job—

What I wear: Teal dress with thick black straps, and white and black flowers with new black flats; I wore this dress to Katie Ford’s grad and my cousin Michele’s wedding (Note: cleavage)

Weather: warm and springy


Servers, who are sweethearts I love: “I love your dress! You look fabulous!”

Later, Anthony: “Erica! I like the change of dress!!”

Me, from the hostess’ stand: “Well, you never know what you’re gonna get from me!”

I smiled like a hostess does and turned around.

Post Notes

In the last week or so I have had the urge to write, but not necessarily the time or brain-space to do so. Excuses, but here are my notes:


Tar Pits/Koons:

I had the afternoon to myself and needed to get out of the house and into the sunshine so I drove down to Miracle Mile on Wilshire and the La Brea tar pits. I found: that the Mother mammoth stuck in the tar is actually on pulley system, moving just a foot or two--maybe to keep from getting stuck?; that the lake has inches, maybe feet, of water on top of the tar but the oil swirls aren't as pretty as ones you find in the parking lot after it rains; classes of school children out on field trip giving the older guitar/banjo/mandolin busker their field-trip-change and dancing steps to the Appalachian music; a little boy with curly black hair "rolling" down the museum's hill of grass next to me, propelling himself over and this way and around in whatever form came natural to him, no matter how contorted he kept on going.

I was wandering, not lost but without purpose, and found myself next store at the outdoor installations at the LACMA and face-to-face with another work of Jeff Koons, Tulips. I chatted briefly with a woman from out-of-town about the ability to make metal looks like balloons, and laughed to myself that this was the 3rd time I'd seen Koons' massive sculptures: once in Berlin (Balloon Flower), multiple pieces in Venice (including a balloon dog and a hanging heart) and now here in LA. I walked around it, then went home.


Dust Settling:

Aside from Grace sustaining her injury to her right rear bumper, she was filthy to boot. In the back parking lot of our Mariposa apartment building, Julia and I washed our cars—using wastebaskets filled with our kitchen water, old t-shirts and soap. The next day I went to my car to drive to work and there was a think layer of dust covering Grace. I wanted to take it as a sign that the dust of everything was settling, calming down, but really it just makes me worry about what is in my lungs. And getting to work was all I really need to worry about.


Photographs Don’t Lie:

Again right before work, I took a few photographs of myself, all dolled up and looking fabulous—the hostess with the “mostess”. I was smiling, but the instant gratification wasn’t so gratifying—you can’t fool a camera; it’s all in the eyes.


I’ve lost track of what this blog is about.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Streets That Make Me Feel Like Home

  • Dunsmuir
  • Van Ness
  • Avocado
  • Catalina
  • Alexandria
  • Mariposa

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Horoscope

Goodtimes, Santa Cruz weekly, for the week of March 13th:

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 20) OK, I must tell you that nothing much at this time is under your control. I know you won't rush into an emotional panic with this information. You'll simply begin to observe your life with a one-pointed focus. And as you do, you realize more definitely your gifts, how your past has led to your present, how your future needs to unfold, and the best use of all resources. You're not drowning.

Fucking hell. Good to know. Check.

Alex's was spot on too. Basically she's gonna be taking over the world.

This is why I love this shit. And why I'll be checking it every week.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Learning to SLOW down, Part II

Trolling Craig'slist today, I found out that the House of Pie (yes, the HOUSE OF PIE) is in need of a server/cashier. Well, I took it as a sign. Found two other restaurants in the area looking for part-time help.

Various printer hang-ups, typos, traffic and missed friends and an hour later, I decided the universe was trying to tell me to slow down again. I don't know why, I don't know what, but I couldn't handle another boo-boo to Grace (let alone afford it!).

But I needed verification of my superstitions, however. Called Daniella--she would honestly tell me if I were crazy. No answer. I called Kate--the most rational person I know. No answer. Julia was at work. I called my mom. She said I should just go home.

I'm just hoping the universe is helping me out. House of Pie, I'm coming tomorrow.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Strange Places I Have Been, Week 1.5

  • Koreatown
  • Stuck in traffic on the 405 S; Long Beach; Costa Mesa
  • The Lab, i.e. the Anti-Mall, and Gypsy Den.
  • The Expo and the Los Angeles Swimming Center, host to the 1984 Olympics
  • Starbucks
  • California Science Center, USC's Auction Fundraiser for their Public Interest Law Foundation
  • Food4Less on Wilshire
  • Cal Arts in Valencia, seeing a show by show with Katie Shook and Eric Lindley. There were clothes lines, good music and a sleeping bag catepillar.
  • The pandería down the street.
  • IKEA in Burbank
  • The Culver City Main St. farmer's market
  • The House of Pie
  • Echo Park, Los Feliz, Silver Lake, Avocado St.
  • Corestaff Employment Agency and the Post Office on Miracle Mile
  • The Manual Archives and Concrete Folk Variations, Part 1. A Sapphic Noir serial drama with puppets.
  • Lost in the Fashion District, and on Trinity St.
  • Los Angeles Airport (LAX)
  • "This Is Not My Beautiful Writing," a reading by Cal Arts MFA grads at Betalevel--Chinatown, down an alley, underground.
  • Let's Be Frank Dogs
  • Helm's Bakery and Thos. Moser's new gallery--a classic contemporary cabinetmaker.
  • Ford's Filling Station
  • Vista Del Mar in El Segundo; I could see bonfires on the beach.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The House of Pie and other Buildings

I'll admit I underestimated of The House of Pie. I was excited to be going there. I enthusiastically tried to get my house-mates to jump in Gerard's little blue Echo with me and have some pie (they didn't want in). But by the time we got there (10 mins later), the lure of pie-filled plates had left me and I actually wanted a waffle with bacon and eggs. Truly, I gave up the choices of banana cream and chocolate chip cheesecake or a slice of pumpkin pie rather easily, not thinking. Gerard, however, stayed true to the game plan, ordering chocolate cream pie. We were going to share.

The House of Pie is east of me, up Vermont Ave, toward Echo Park and Los Feliz and Silver Lake. It sits on the corner with its proud diner sign and a parking attendant stands in the lot to watch over the cars (part of me thinks this is all very LA). As you enter the '50s style diner with its color palette of browns, the pies are on display in their dingy, rotating glass cylinders, in the glass-protected shelves at the front counter without lighting to illuminate them. If I had looked up, I would have seen the five billboards above the register proudly detailing the extensive pie menu one would expect at an establishment called The House of Pie.

I didn't look up though. I was snobbish in my glances at the rotating pies. The menus were basic. My body really wanted bacon. I ordered a hot chocolate to go with my late-night breakfast. That would be enough.

And it was. In that moment, I really did want a Belgian waffle with one egg dry scrambled and two pieces of bacon with machine hot chocolate. But the pie. The pie was amazing.

Never before had I tasted chocolate cream pie like this. Oh, I have had amazing chocolate pies before--my g'ma makes one special for me every Thanksgiving, for which I am eternally grateful--but this was amazing DINER chocolate cream pie. The kind you can un-guiltily get away with eating, its topping a 2-inch thick layer of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles, the slice the entire size of your small serving plate. Just the few bites I had made me confident I will definitely be going back.

We chatted over the diner table, perfectly full, for over an hour, then got back in the car to explore the parts of the city I've never known and that Gerard knows so well. Up Vermont, over to Silver Lake Blvd, along Beverly and Sunset, the clock ticking past midnight, strangers coming out of clubs and music venues, all the while watching the buildings, the streets, the architecture, the lights.

Up in that part of the city, up in those small hills, there is something about the houses and the apartments and the buildings that truly is beautiful. I felt a certain comfortable familiarity comparable to the houses and neighborhoods I know in San Francisco and the Bay Area, but there's also a different edge to them that is completely Los Angeles. To try and pinpoint it would be futile, but it makes me believe more and more that LA is a under-praised beauty of a city.

There are archways and balconies and climbing flowers and tile roofs and slanted driveways. In the night, the houses have an off-white cast to them, similar but never the same twice. The streets curve and bend more there than down on Wilshire or Venice and a residential block one minute is a row of small neon restaurant signs the next.

Gerard said he likes to walk around these neighborhoods and look at the houses. That farther up in the hills there are narrow staircases that appear out of nowhere and take you to a somewhere you didn't know existed. It's a surreal city, he said. A city that pretends to be a city in so many ways. A city worth exploration.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Shameless Survival

I have now been here a week, but I started to learn the streets as soon as I got off the freeway. Survival tactics: if I'm gonna get myself into the heart of this city, I better know how in the hell to get out. (I'm suddenly hearing Ani's "Shameless" in my head.)

Mariposa runs perpendicular to Wilshire. Wilshire runs runs parallel to 8th and James M Wood. So does Venice Blvd. Normandie, Vermont and Hoover can get me to Venice. They'll also take me to the 10. Either one can get me closer to Culver City and Danrae's house. I can't remember yet how to get to Kate's or Orange County.

If I turn right on Wilshire from S. Mariposa, there is a Home Depot, a Food4Less, a RiteAid and a Starbucks. There are also the skyscrapers I love to see so much. And in walking distance is the GayLord apartments which has Julia's favorite HMS Bounty at street level.

If I turn left, Emily and I can walk to CVS Pharmacy to drop off recycling at the center in parking lot and hopefully get a few dollars to put in our found blue-bear-with-yellow-tie piggy bank. If I'm driving, I can do the same, past grand churches and temples and the Wiltern before coming to Miracle Mile. And Miracle, as I found out yesterday, has the LACMA and the La Brea tar pits.

I'm thinking I've got a good location here. And maybe one day I'll know the streets of LA like my dad knows the streets of San Francisco. Maybe one day I'll turn on Venice on instinct instead of survival.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

In a City that Doesn't Get Dark

I walked out of an event on Friday night at the California Science Center and despite my tiredness I thought it was relatively early--until I got in my car and looked at the clock: 9:45 pm. What?

Driving up Vermont Avenue, I just stared at the skyline. It was dark outside, the sun wasn't still setting, and it wasn't magically the middle of summer instead of the end of February. But the sky did have a gradient appearance to it, from orange light to deeper dark.

And it was then I figured out that it doesn't ever really get dark in LA. The orange streetlights do cut down on the light pollution, I assume, but the city sprawls and is well-lit in its sprawling.

I realized now why the sight of stars was such a big deal, why they meant so much to people, to my friends, from Southern California when they came to Santa Cruz or Siskiyou County. And even though I had spent a few summer months down in Valencia in high school, I guess I still took the sight of stars for granted.

I began to wonder what is like to be in a place that doesn't get dark, that doesn't quiet down, that doesn't go to sleep--all things that do happen here in this city, but how much different is that dark, that quiet, that sleep from what I have known.

And yet, strangely, I somehow felt safe knowing it wasn't going to get dark as I drove the well-lit streets back to Mariposa, found parking two blocks away and walked home.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

My Girl 2 -- In L.A.


I think I keep forgetting that I am living in LA. Not in a way where I wake up and I don't know where I am--well, actually, kind of--but, I was thinking more in the sense that my spatial and temporal plane of existence is shifting kind-of-thing and my brain is having trouble keeping up. I mean, I've seen parts of this city hundreds of times in TV and film and now I am actually living where it happens. I'm living where the movies are made...

Trite? Maybe. True? Yes. And funnily enough the one movie I keep coming back to is that 1994 classic My Girl 2, when movies with "2" in the title were popular and I could totally relate to its adorable, feministy, kind of hippied-out 13 year-old protagonist Vada.

I mean, c'mon, her uncle actually says to her in the movie "Don't be a poet, be a TV repairman." And seeing how this constant dilemma between art and money still drives me today, I think at 10 or so I had made a pretty good character match for my life to come.

And now with me now in the very same city, I'm thinking I need to find out what other wisdom or tidbits can be gleaned from that childhood classic. Step 1: Re-watch My Girl 2. Step 2: Re-trace Vada's steps around the city, including taking my girl to the La Brea tar pits. Step 3: buy a mood ring.

Friday, February 29, 2008

I fell in love with you even more tonight...

...as I sat at the small table in the hip cafe of the anti-mall with my two friends staring lovingly back at me as we talked about everything, as we talked about us...

...as I walked down to the pandería this afternoon to get a sugary drink and realized I live in the blocks on Mariposa between Wilshire and 8th and you had found it on Google maps, with the McDonald's and RadioShack nearby...

...as Julia and I drove Grace out into the city for the first time, Josh Ritter's "Come and Find Me" playing on the stereo, and found there is a street just a few blocks parallel to here by the name of "Alexandria" and only if there was one less "i" in it, it would be a whole street dedicated to you, so close to me...

I fell in love with you even more tonight...

...as we drove beneath the beautiful looping of overpasses and freeways near downtown LA and Julia said they looked futuristic and I thought they looked like dinosaurs and she said she wanted to go the Natural History Museum and I thought I could take you there...

...as I thought of writing you love letters and sweet emails and how you get me and how we understand each other and how each time I write something I feel in a space so intimate it's as if you were curled up next to me...

...as I came back to the apartment tonight, took a deep breath as I entered the door and thought yeah, this could be home, at least for a while, at least with these bright colors...

I fell in love with you even more tonight...

...as I know that writing this to you tonight will make me fall that much more in love with you, and knowing you'll receive it when you wake in the morning will bring a smile to your face, and that that will be enough to make me rise in the morning and peer out my bathroom window at the sunshine and the smog and the skyscrapers and be so glad to be alive with you...

Turkeybasters

Have you ever imagined your mother's turkey baster coming at your vagina to impregnate you?

It's simultaneously the scariest and most hilarious picture I've ever had.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Learning to SLOW down...

My good friend Clare joked at the end of January that it took a blizzard to get me to slow down and take care of myself. I laughed because it was funny; it was also true.

I was caught in Portland, Oregon, by snow and rain storms hitting the West Coast at all elevations, on every highway between me and my next destination--San Francisco International Airport. I was jet lagged, having just gotten back to American soil from three weeks in Thailand, and needing to make my next flight--this time to Dublin, Ireland, for another three week stay. Not sleeping, being potentially sick and without the energy to drive five hours, put on chains in the heavy falling snow, and get over the first mammoth of a mountain pass to my Yreka home was just something that was not going to happen.

So, I postponed my flight, waited for the weather to clear, and when I hit the Siskiyou Pass four days later, the road was bone dry.

My new flight time three days away, my dad and I watched the weather and timed the break in the storm again. My drive from Yreka to Santa Cruz (where I would leave my car, Grace, and all my personal belongings during my holiday) was clear. The only startle I had on the drive was light rain through the Bay Area, where part of the road was a bit slick and I got an idea of how quickly I could potentially lose control of my beautiful blue car. All was fine though and my flight to Ireland was fortunately rather empty, allowing me a whole row to myself to sleep.

Fast-forward through the most amazing holiday I've ever had in beautiful seaside towns and it brings me to this weekend when, after I've arrived safely back to the US of A, I am making my next journey--moving to Los Angeles.

Jet-lagged again. Sleepy again. Impatient to get where I need to be--again. And I still haven't made it to LA.

Rewind. My second year of university at UC Santa Cruz was a crazy, stressful year. It was a year filled with some of the most amazing projects and people I have been blessed to encounter. It also was the year I dealt with the most health problems--waking up with stomach aches every morning, heart burn, signs of a pancreatic infection, head colds, a bum wrist. All of it culminated the last week of the school year and the first week of summer when I found out I had mono, and was laid up for the next two months recovering.

My mom and family and good friends took great care of me that summer, making sure I would be strong enough and healthy enough to make it for my next big adventure: studying abroad in Galway, Ireland.

I did make it and to say that I had a wonderful time would be a gross understatement. Coupled with my experiences abroad, the I'm-in-another-country/continent/culture-and-all-that-entails bit, was me learning how to listen--and take care of--my body. I began to the symptoms my body produced when it was too stressed and how to step back and relax. I put distance between me and the intense focus I had been giving my schoolwork, benefiting all of my endeavors.

See what I learned from that second year and that following summer was that I needed to slow down a bit, take things easier and be aware of where and how much of my energy was being given. How to put a little sass back into my life again.

But as I find myself having to remind myself to relax, take it easy, enjoy the extra time given me in the wonderful beautiful place that is Santa Cruz, I keep asking what is it exactly that am I slowing down from? There are no obligations I have to attend to. I've only got plans to fulfill and really, I've already done most of the back work and am just waiting anyway.

My good friend Julia said to me the other day that maybe the universe is telling me I'm needing to slow down and understand that everything unfolds as it needs to, or something along those lines. And I do agree with that idea; you can't force something or make something happen until it's gonna happen. But at what point does the car stall when you've done all your down-shifting and laying off the gas?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

For lovers who go unnamed

There is a story in Ruthann Robson's collection Cecile called "Theories of Men" that follows the narrator, Cecile's lover and partner, into the classroom of her feminist coursework at what one could presume to be Mills College. Here she struggles with the assigned theories--some written by men the way that men have always written theory and some, even more frustratingly, written by women the way that men have always written theory. She struggles to find theories that can explain her existence--as a lower-class woman, as a mother, as a lesbian-- and to find a place in the classroom--as a mature student, as a native of Florida, as a lesbian. The story comes to its revelation with the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake, whose epicenter was just 10 miles north of Santa Cruz.

As the narrator describes the aftermath and the emotions she experiences, she singles out a particular part of the news report that strikes even more close to home. The narrator describes a young woman calling out to rescue workers to save her friend from a collapsed building in downtown Santa Cruz, calling over and over to them to save her. The narrator states quite solemnly that the woman on the news program does not actually mean "friend" when she calls out to the rescue workers, she means "lover."

I read Cecile this fall, with my lover curled into me, for coursework I designed for myself. Every two weeks I would read something new and show up at Bettina's office ready to discuss something about the work. Over the weeks I read Cecile, I decided I wanted to discuss the story "Theories of Men." It had resonated deeply with me and what I didn't know, but should have expected, was that Bettina already knew the story, but knew it in the context of Santa Cruz instead.

She told me the woman caught under the collapsed building was the lover of woman who called out to save her, and she was also the owner of the cafe the building had housed. When the earthquake had struck, the woman had run back into the building to clear everyone out, saving them, and had gotten trapped herself. The building was deemed too dangerous to continue rescue operations and her lover's cries were in vain. She told me the building had stood at the end of Pacific Ave and the lot had not been built upon since, a foundational hole in the ground with chain-link fence guarding it.

Today there is an additional chain-link fence around the lot and a large sign that advertises the new apartments to come in that valuable downtown prime location--but it does not say anything about what used to be there, why it isn't any longer and it does not tell the story of the friend who was really a lover.

But today there are also two deep-red roses, with their stems wrapped around each other; today they are woven into the fence, together; today there are roses for the past and for the future, for you and for her.

Kitsch, My Favorite Nickname

I had a summer fling once who liked to give me nicknames. Not in a weird, kinky, condescending kind of way, I just seemed to inspire them, so to speak. Like one day he looked up at the "Y" shaped scar on my forehead, focusing only on the slanting right half of it, and declared I should also be called "Tilda," like the accent mark you see written above vowels in other languages.

And I didn't mind this process of renaming. Growing up, I didn't really have nicknames. It's hard to shorten "Erica" to anything except "Er" (pronounced "Air") and despite my blondness, the name didn't fit. "e" came later, but only through my love affair with e.e. cummings' flair for making the lower case "e" look so damn good; and a few of my friends deciding that really, it was just a good letter for me.

The one name he really liked to call me though was "Kitsch." I'm not sure he knew the word before he met me, but as he saw me half unpacked, holding my beloved "jar o' kitsch," I think I shaped his understanding of it. It was cute and quirky and with that edge of sexiness that makes you want to see what it tastes like, so I let him call me "Kitsch."

I mean, he had good reason too--each surface I touched had that tacky sentimentality to it that I love--and when I got my first car that same summer, I made sure to "kitsch" it out. Stickers were bought and found; a pukka shell necklace, given to me by my great-grandmother for being a good driver, was wound around the shifter; graduation cords and sashes adorned seats and rear windows accompanied by various plastic sea toys; "Buddha Bouncer" was given his rightful protective place in the center console; and I pinned my Heather lapel from my father next to my driver's side light. Thus in this way, not only would my car reflect my personality, it would also be well protected.

And today of all days, I can't help but think that my collection of kitsch might be working to keep me safe somehow. The rain was pouring down hard on Highway 1 South between Ocean and Morissey and I could have spun across two lanes of traffic and been struck sideways when I hydroplaned; I could have flipped over and smashed completely against the median instead of just tapping it with my wheels; all of my belongings could have been strewn across the highway instead of just part of my back bumper; and I might not be sitting on my friend's futon right now, taking it easy.

And when I realized the rather minimal damage for what could have been a totaled vehicle, I wanted to kiss each and every piece of kitsch in that car. I wanted to run my finger along Buddha's head and say thank you; I wanted to brush my hand against the shells and think of my great-grandmother; I wanted to play with the toys and straighten the sashes.

Sitting in my car, I took in a deep breath and with that breath did all of those things without moving, and my fingers found the carved marble rubbing stone my father had made me, hanging around my neck on a string of leather, and was thankful for the love in each and every piece of my own personal kitsch.

So the next time anyone asks why it is I might actually like being nicknamed after unworthy, tacky sentimental art, I think I'll just reply, "Hey man, kitsch is powerful stuff."

Friday, February 8, 2008

Kate's Right-On Additions

to People I Want to Be in LA:

- Radical knitter
- Cephalopod connoisseur
- Feminist
- Schmau team player
- THE (i.e. Kate's) party enabler

Sunday, January 6, 2008

People I want to be in L.A....

1. Political Organizer
2.
Decent Spanish Speaker
3. Doula
4. Mechanic Apprentice
5. Substitute Teacher
6. Suicide Girl
7. Poet
8. Handywoman/Painter
9. Street Performer
10. Grant Writer
11. Museum-goer
12. World Traveler/Lover
13. Waitress
14. Small-time peddler of sex toys and the fiber arts